Dig your own hole

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m standing on a corner in Cambridge Circus in the West End. There’s a sign here saying strictly no digging, and it lists this number?”

“Oh right.”

“Yeah. Thing is, how strict is the strictly no digging rule?”

“Erm… I’m not sure I understand the question. Who is this?”

“Sorry, this is Dave. I’m a builder and me and my mate Tone came down here to do a spot of digging. We’re looking for old metal. Artefacts and that.”

“Right. Well you can’t dig anywhere in Westminster unless you’re a licensed contractor. And if the sign says no digging, there’s probably a good reason.”

“Okay. Thing is, we’ve already dug the hole. It was quite noisy.”

(Silence.)

“Hello? Yeah, I’m really sorry but we didn’t see the sign until after we did the hole. It’s pretty deep. Maybe someone should bring down one of those ‘danger, big hole’ signs?”

“You’ve already dug a hole? In the West End?”

“Yeah, it’s about eight feet deep. Maybe nine. Tony’s down there now. He’s getting pretty wet, actually – I think something may have sprung a leak.”

“Where did you say you were?”

“Cambridge Circus, near Shaftesbury Avenue. A hen party nearly just fell in on Tony. He’s just picked one of their L-plates off his face. Is anyone going to bring a sign?”

“Can I have your name and a contact number and someone will get back to you.”

“My name’s Dave, and my friend’s name is Tony Robinson. He really likes digging, so he suggested coming down here. It was only after he’d got a bit carried away with his little JCB that we noticed the sign.”

“Tony… what was the surname? Are you doing official work for the borough or a utilities company at the site?”

“Robinson. It’s sort of official, I guess – he’s off of Time Team.”

“Right… well tell your friend he can’t dig there.”

“Like I said, it’s already dug. But I’ll tell him. Tony, she’s saying you can’t dig here… What? Hang on, he’s saying something… he says do you know who he is? I don’t think he’s going to get out until he finds something.”

“Erm, is this a serious call? Because I’m going to have to call the police…”

“No, don’t worry. I’ll probably just get him to fill it in now – he won’t find anything. He never does.”

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