As the UK was hit by a salt crisis after weeks of freezing weather and the subsequent gritting of roads took their toll on the country’s salt reserves, health-obsessed busybodies slammed Gordon Brown’s government for sending out mixed messages on the safety of salt.
“For years, they’ve been telling us that salt is bad for us and now they’re saying there’s not enough of it,” said one concerned eater. “As far as policy U-turns go, that must be right up there.”
As salt reserves around the country are left empty and Big Freeze panic grips the nation, reports have emerged from major cities of marauding ‘salt mobs’ looting shops, restaurants and bars for any salt they can get their hands on.
In south London, one short-sighted resident faced an unclear future after he was mugged at knife-point for a bottle of saline solution he was carrying for emergency contact lens changes.
“The guy threatened me with a knife, took the bottle and just poured it straight on the ground in front of him,” the victim told police. “He just started laughing, babbling something incomprehensible about terra firma and then kissed the ground.”
As incidences of sodium chloride-related crime escalate, the police have been criticised for a laissez-faire attitude towards the perpetrators. “We’re just going to sit back and wait for them to slip up,” said a Metropolitan police spokesperson.
Meanwhile, religious groups have hailed the crisis and Britain’s ice-covered streets as evidence of a coming apocalypse. In a bizarre twist, many have turned to the song Ice Ice Baby by early-90s rap star Vanilla Ice, believing him to be some kind of soothsayer holding clues to the freeze, and particularly noting the composition’s closing refrain:
“Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold”
“Vanilla’s song was once believed to be a simple, fun little ditty. It now seems oddly prophetic; maybe he has always known something the rest of us didn’t,” said one fan.
Others simply suggested Vanilla Ice may be somehow behind the cold snap as sales of Ice, Ice Baby reportedly soared 2,500%.
Vanilla Ice declined to comment.