Official criteria for the scoring of tea-making


Score teas out of ten, removing points for any unsatisfactory elements as below.

1. Condition of mug
Cleanliness of mug is the drinker’s responsibility. However, deduct one point for the emergence of anything suspect or disgusting that wasn’t there before.

2. Colour
Subject to personal preference, but generally a brown hue of some description is desirable. Deduct one point for anything green.

3. Milk-to-tea ratio
Contrary to popular belief, this is not ‘a matter of taste’. Dash teas with two splashes of moo juice AFTER the completion of the tea-bag removal process for optimum taste. Deduct one point per extra splash.

4. Distance from top of mug
Tea should sit comfortably between 1cm and 1.5cm below the top of the mug. Making teas with a liquid level higher than this could result in the appearance of tea waves during kitchen-to-desk transportation. Any less will lead to the drinker having to request more teas per day are made than is appropriate. Deduct one point for each millimetre your drink is shy of this target.

5. UFOs
Unidentified floating objects are to be discouraged under all circumstances. Anything unusual or unidentifiable should NOT appear at any time on or in any teas made. Deduct one point per floater.

6. Delivery
Everyone secretly hates making teas, but the maker must, under all circumstances, pretend they are delighted to be doing so. Deduct one point per frown that isn’t turned upside down.

Please note: Scoring teas is intended to be fun. Berating, ostracising or reducing any maker to tears for supplying sub-par beverages or a generally lackadaisical attitude to the important morale-boosting practice of getting an endless chain of teas made for you is not to be tolerated. Funny, but not to be tolerated.


3 thoughts on “Official criteria for the scoring of tea-making

  1. Point 6 stands out for me Dave, I don’t think I ever got a cup of tea from you without an expletive or a scowl. I thought you drank coffee anyway?

    1. Haha, what can I say mate? I’m a new man! Coffee still has the edge, but tea has crept into my day too… especially mid-afternoon. Shocking eh?

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