DISCLAIMER: Do not read the following. You’ll probably be disgusted or offended. Most likely both.
I can’t watch Location, Location, Location any more. Not because I’m driven to murderous distraction by shows about people buying houses when people just don’t buy houses these days – what do they think this is, 2002?
I wish. No, I can’t watch Location, Location, Location any more because a mere glimpse of the show gets me thinking about something an ex-colleague of mine once said about Kirstie Allsopp. Yep, that’s right, that sweet, prim, proper Victorian Kirstie Allsopp.
It was on last night, and I had to switch channels. I don’t want to keep being reminded of his comments. But there are certain things that, once said, once put out into the natural air, can never be taken back.
So if you like Kirstie, or any of the bordering-on-pointless-at-the-moment property stuff she does on telly, please stop reading now, because what I’m about to say will be instantly seared on to your brain forever more. You’ll forget for a while, of course, but mark my words: the minute her face is splashed back across your high-definition 36-inch, this is the only thing you’ll be able to think of.
“Would you let Kirstie Allsopp poo on your chest,” he asked. Now, I’ve replaced the word he actually used with the word ‘poo’ in an attempt to make this whole regrettable experience seem a bit less crass. A minor point, but I think you’ll agree a necessary one.
Just like that, he said it. On its own, a statement. Not, “Would you go out with Kirstie Allsopp?” Not even, “Would you shag Kirstie Allsopp?” No. Straight in with, “Would you let Kirstie Allsopp poo on your chest.”
This man now has a wife and a house and a job and a dog. He’s out there, doing a normal, proper life. And yet he once said that about Kirstie Allsopp, and that will never go away. He will never know the damage he’s done.
Once more, my sincerest apologies. But this had to be done; I can’t go on being the only one suffering this curse for much longer.