Have I got some stupid news for you

There’s been some ridiculous news this week, with beyond-daft headlines popping up all over the web. After yesterday’s Guardian masterpiece ‘Joe Swash to move in with Pamela Anderson for TV channel Living’, quite possibly the single most ludicrous string of words ever to be arranged into a sentence, it seemed only right to package up a few more of the most loopy moments from internet news sites from the past seven days.

First off, a total Wimbledon-bandwagon non-story from the Guardian, whose strait-laced headline made the whole rain-roof debacle seem even more nonsensical: ‘Wimbledon: BBC denies it was involved in decision to close roof’.

Basically, hungry ostrich Andy Murray got himself in a flap about the decision to shut the roof as it began to rain – a roof which, let’s remember, has been perched above his head for the whole tournament for the sole purpose of being shut when it rains. He said it made the court too humid. ‘BBC denies it was involved in decision to shoot Gordon Brown’ – serious news. ‘BBC denies it was involved in decision to shut a roof’ – stupid.

The too-hot tennis match would no doubt also have been a worry for any iPhone-owning tennis fans residing in Centre Court’s stifling humidity on Monday, if this story from IT ProPortal is anything to go by: ‘Don’t use iPhone 3G and 3GS above 35 degrees centigrade, says Apple’. Oh, okay Apple, whatever you say. Never mind that we had to queue for a week and agree to pay sixteen thousand pounds a month for the privilege of owning something that we only really want because everyone else has got one, if you say we can only use it if we’re sitting in a fridge, that’s what we’ll do.

It turns out Apple’s world domination-bent portable gizmo wasn’t the only thing feeling the heat this week, as the BBC reported that ‘Climate change is shrinking sheep’. Of course it is. By 5%, it turns out. And Professor Tim Coulson from Imperial College London wasn’t even prepared to rule out a further decrease in sheep size: “It’s too early to say if, in 100 years, we will have chihuahuas herding pocket-sized sheep.” Brilliant, if a little confusing for a certain Craggy Island-based priest.

Another dose of animal madness next: ‘Michael Jackson’s memorial to be preceded by elephant parade’, said the Telegraph. Are we starting to run out of Jacko stories guys? As this quote from the paper’s website today shows, they’re not even trying to cover up how tenuous it all is now: “Jackson’s love of animals was well known and he kept a small private zoo at his Neverland ranch near Santa Barbara in California. Whether family members have timed his memorial especially to follow the parade, by the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus, or whether it was simply coincidence remains unclear.”

Still, the King of Pop’s life had descended into a full-blown circus act anyway, so in some ways this could be seen as a fitting send-off.

And if you thought Michael Jackson had done some weird stuff, check out this headline from the Guardian today: ‘US woman obsessed with rabbits is jailed’. Yep, a woman from Portland in the US was found stashing a whole big load of rabbits in her hotel room, which broke the terms of her parole set after she was caught in 2006 with 150 rabbits in her house, some of them dead in freezers. She had been let free on the condition that she “stayed away from rabbits”. Somehow, you kind of get the feeling that if there’s one thing a person found with 150 rabbits in a tiny flat is not going to want to stay away from, it’s going to be rabbits.

Pigs now, and nearly snatching the top spot for the most ridiculous news this week is this story about swine flu from Yahoo News, headlined ‘Warning over ‘swine flu parties’. “Parents have been warned not to take their children to ‘swine flu parties’ in the hope they will catch the disease now and build up immunity,” says the article. In the most bizarre twist to the pig flu pandemic yet, a representative from family website mumsnet.com was quoted as saying: “We have heard of people saying ‘Can we come round to your house when you get it?'”

The number one spot, however, the most outrageous headline of the week, goes to msn.com for its touching, tender report about a down-on-her-luck American sex worker’s daily struggle for survival, entitled ‘Prostitute paid in crisps’, which, let’s be honest, really doesn’t need any embellishment at all.


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