Dogs? Bollocks…

intelligent-dog
So, it’s official: boffins now reckon that dogs are more intelligent than cats. Not this again. They’re not. They’re idiots.

Yeah, yeah, I know, dogs are funny and loveable and dependable and people go bloody crazy for them with their big, stupid droopy faces. But they’re not clever. And here’s why.

Look at Top Cat, the world’s best cat. Fair enough, he moved into a bin, and you may think that was a stupid decision. Yes, it was run down when he bought it, but he saw the potential; he had a vision. And it worked. He managed to get loads of his mates to move into bins, too. Beat that Sarah Beeny.

Then there are the other successful cats, such as Henry’s Cat or Garfield. They’re slippery, Machiavellian little bastards who drain us for every last penny and ounce of our love, pretending to be our friends when secretly, behind our backs, they just fucking despise us.

We should hate them back, but we don’t. We let them live in our houses and we buy them their tea every day. We willingly hide the corpses they drag through their own little doors into our homes after a night out killing. We love them, and they trick us into thinking it’s not unrequited. And that’s why they’re geniuses.

Dogs, on the other hand… dogs are just, well, idiots. Big, floppy, soppy dunderheads. No famous dog has ever been a brilliant mind.

Scooby-Doo, probably the world’s most celebrated pooch, is a fucking moron. He’s a calamity, blundering his way through every spooked-out situation and relying on his pint-sized mate, Scrappy, to make everything all right again. Scrappy had his head screwed on; he had a brain, intuition and nous. He must have actually been a cat wearing a dog suit.

The clearest evidence of the dog’s lack of intelligence, though, is how it has actually regressed as a species. Have a look at this picture, taken back in the olden days when dogs ruled the world.

dogs_playing_poker

These mutts are clever. They’re smoking. They’re enjoying a spot of Texas Hold’em. They probably have loads of cash tied up in lucrative hedge funds. What happened guys?

They let us breeze in and take over, and now we do the smoking and lose everything we own playing cards, and they just get dragged around the streets tied to little strips of leather. But even we’re stupid really, because we’re just pawns. We’re actually being controlled by the cats, and we do everything they want because we love them and their little furry faces and just want them to love us back.

But they don’t; they hate us. And one day they’ll destroy us. The dogs let this happen, and now it’s too late. The idiots.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Dogs? Bollocks…

  1. Some dogs MAY be idiots – certainly not all of us. I don’t consider myself extra intelligent, but I am mentally capable. Canines and felines are like humans, our intelligence varies through a wide spectrum depending on genetic, environmental, and cultural backgrounds. I live with three cats whose intelligence varies as much as their coloration. It’s a challenge to keep Mr B, the cleverest of the three, from stealing my food. Sugar, poor thing doesn’t have a clue. We simply don’t make a big thing of it. It’s called peaceful co-existence.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s