A perceptive ex-flatmate of mine once made me aware of the concept of ugly lookalikes. He had a knack for spotting them. Hideous versions of celebrities that I would have previously walked past in the street without a second thought started cropping up all over the place, all looking really, really, really like someone famous. Just much more ugly.
Two in particular stuck in my mind. The first is Ugly Craig David.
Ugly Craig David worked in the chip shop on the corner of our street. He really, really, really looked like Craig David. After walking into the wrong side of a spade. It’s a cruel world, eh?
Actual Craig David gets to meet ‘her’ after work on Monday, take her for a drink on Tuesday and be making love by Wednesday. And Thursday and Friday and Saturday. Sunday? Don’t be ridiculous, that’s like, a day of rest and all that. He just chills.
Ugly Craig David, on the other hand, gets up to go to work on Monday, then stinks of chips for the rest of the fucking week. Looking like Actual Craig David in a vandalised hall of mirrors. After a weekend on the sauce.
The second was a girl who looked like Winona Ryder. We took a few lectures together once. She wasn’t really that ugly, but unfortunately for her, she really, really, really looked like Winona Ryder. But not as good-looking – Ugly Winona Ryder.
Unfortunate, but that’s just her lot. She’s an ugly lookalike. She will never experience the fun you can have using a five-finger discount to grab loads of exciting stuff from a posh shop on Fifth Avenue. She will never doss around in a big-screen production regaling the life story of a soppy goth with massive hedge trimmers for hands. She’ll probably never get to jack off Johnny Depp, either.
Honestly, once you start looking, these guys are everywhere. A short roll call of my most recent spots would include: Ugly Roman Abramovich, on a train – definitely not rich, couldn’t give you Frank Lampard’s phone number even if he wanted to; Ugly Super Mario, having a pint in a pub, on his own, dressed like Super Mario – which is brilliant; Ugly Steven Spielberg – actually, he just kind of looked like Steven Spielberg.
They’re out there. Everywhere. And once you’ve spotted one, they will be all up in your face twenty-four seven. And you’ve got to feel sorry for them. People spot them in the street and for a split second think they’re famous; then they realise they’re just an ugly alternative and come to the only logical conclusion: that they must be some kind of evil version of their better-known counterpart.
And the point of all this? On the train last night, blissfully unaware of his problem: Ugly Nick Griffin. Seriously. It must take some work to be more unattractive than a big cunty fat sweaty racist, but somehow this guy does it. He’s probably a really nice bloke, but if Ugly Craig David et al are anything to go by, he’s going to have a tough time out there.